She wants to know how to coparent with a man child who wants to spend holidays together after he walked out for his affair partner. Why does she have to keep playing the heavy?
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Dear Chump Lady,
I’m having a hard time with the concept of co-parenting and “what’s best for the children”. My STBX (would have been 21 years this month) left via an exit affair ten months ago. We have two teenaged daughters who have always thought the world of him. He is a good dad, just not (IMO) a great parent. He was always the fun dad and I was always Chief No-Fun of the Idonwanna Tribe – I let myself be chumped into being a parent to all three of them for entirely too long.
How much sh*t sandwich do I have to eat now that he has chosen to rip our family apart?
He chose to leave for good three weeks before Christmas and then was dismayed when I informed him that he would not be welcome at the family home for Christmas morning. I just didn’t feel like I could keep a happy face plastered on and pretend that everything was okay.
If my girls were tiny, I could justify swallowing my bile and excusing myself to cry, but they know all about his betrayal. I know he’ll continue to push for “family” activities (birthdays and such) and will probably kvetch to the girls about how Mom “won’t let go of being angry long enough to just enjoy an occasion together”.
I feel like I spent years being portrayed as the wet blanket during my marriage, and now that the marriage is over, I’m somehow expected to continue playing the supporting role to his Peter Pan Neverland Divagasm.
Do I really need to grit my teeth through a restaurant dinner watching him be a buddy to our children for their sake?
Or do I get to be a real parent and model what I feel: being a healthy grown-up woman means not sacrificing yourself to provide ego kibbles to a narcissistic man-child.
Mzmama
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Dear Mzmama,
Divorce has forever excused you from family togetherness with this man. Don’t confuse two very divergent concepts — coparenting and family time.
Coparenting is essentially a business function. You do what your order tells you to do and parent on your own time. A legal document spells out who pays, how you notify each other, who does drop offs.
Family is how you choose to define it. Personally, anyone who abandons me for a f*ckbuddy after 21 years is not someone I would choose to associate with. He lost that privilege. No, he threw away that privilege. He is not entitled to all the perks of family togetherness and a side piece.
Unless you allow it.
The cake eating stops when you say it stops. You’re getting DIVORCED. Put down the sh*t sandwich. Who in God’s name told you letting him enjoy family dinners on Christmas daywas “good” for your children? Because it’s not. You know what’s good for children? REALITY.
See, when they grow up, they’ll live in this place called Reality where they have to clean up their messes, and wash dishes, and keep their promises, pay their bills, and do all matter of Responsible Things. Oh, and in the realm of Reality, we have this concept called Consequences. That when people do really sh*tty things to you, you can choose not to associate with them. Bad Things that sadly lead to divorce, for example.
Peter Pan lives in Never Never Land. He traffics in fairy dust and wants children to believe they can jump off their roofs and fly to enchanted places.
Here’s what happens when you jump off your roof in Reality — you go splat.
It’s much better to model Reality to your children than Never Never Land.
Otherwise they grow up thinking they can do sh*tty things and people should still be “friends” with them. Or they grow up thinking when other people do sh*tty things to them, they have to eat that sh*t sandwich and smile (i.e., they become chumps.) Children must exist in Reality, as much as they like Never Never Land. It’s the job of a good parent to introduce the ways of Reality to them, so they don’t grow up confused, or living in your basem*nt writing screenplays.
Mzmama — now is your chance to cast off the shackles of the No Fun Parent role. You know why you were a buzz kill? You were eating sh*t sandwiches. You’re going to be a much happier person and mom not putting up with his bullsh*t.
This is what you do — if you haven’t already — you get a visitation schedule. And you stick to it. You give him the kids on his holidays and weekends to see the kids, and during that time you do Fun Things You Enjoy. Even if that is Netflix and a glass of wine. You go fill your life with nice people, maybe do a little dating, and experience life without compulsory sh*t sandwiches.
You’ll glow! You’ll relax!
And your happiness will be infectious. Your children will see you navigate this difficult time and will respect you (eventually, they are after all, teenagers).
Oh, and here’s the other wonderful thing about being divorced from a FW — you get to parent YOUR way! Your house, your rules! Yes, they can go visit dad in Never Never Land, but I promise you that sh*t gets old pretty quick. Dad won’t be so fun without his cake. Without responsible you to make his home life pretty for him and manage his relationships with his kids.
will probably kvetch to the girls about how Mom “won’t let go of being angry long enough to just enjoy an occasion together”.
He’s going to malign you whatever you do. Because the stench of abandonment is on him. You’re not obliged to help him with his impression management. Don’t take the “angry” bait.
Anger is normal after betrayal. Grief at your marriage ending is normal. You know what says “I’m not an angry person”? LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE WITHOUT HIM.
You know what telegraphs anger? Eating faux family togetherness sh*t sandwiches. You’re not obliged to share holidays together after he walked out on you for his affair partner.
Communicate via parenting software about childcare matters. And then, blissfully, go no contact. His relationship with his daughters is HIS responsibility NOT YOURS. You got fired from that job when he cheated and left. You go enjoy your life mzmama and leave the man child to his.
I hear Reality is really nice this time of year.
